"You don't have your receipt? Well you're just AOL."

"I'm getting beeped at from all directions."

"How bout 20/20 hiney sight?"

"She was professional, though. Just the one snort."

"That's about the tenth time someone's said Xanax to me this week."

"The common thread is absurdity."

"That's a complicated mental flow chart."

"Oh, were you serious about that?"

"Just don't touch anything. That's your tutorial."

"I am woman, hear me craft."

"She makes Eeyore look like Richard Simmons."

"She puts the sin in synergy."

"I think we're almost ready to get completely started on that."

"These grudges aren't going to hold themselves."

"People who won't eat a sandwich, I don't trust them."

"It's not like somebody picked you for the job nobody wants."

"I'm going to travel there by airliner which is what I call my bus."

"Do you want to be 'Googled' on your terms?"

"I can ruin everything you like."

"There's some competition involved in being alive."

"We've got some pretty good straight-up chicken house photos."

"That's not a logo, it's a collage."

"That guy doesn't look real flexible to me."

"Nothing says raw sex appeal like a dude in a tiara."

"These words mean nothing to me."

"I'm a Kevin Federline fan."

"I wish I had a bulldozer."

"You have a bald spot in your fur pants."

"Christmas is a lifestyle, it doesn't abide by calendar dates."

"I would not buy a used toilet."

"You spell like a spammer."

"I got caught in a clog mob on Halloween."

"Hobby Lobby threw up in my trunk."

"That’s a real sentence I, a grown human person, typed as part of the thing I do to earn a living."

"Q. Is there something cooking in here? A. Yes, a turkey."

"Are you good with a chainsaw?"

"I mean, I'm all for pretending to be a squirrel wearing a bow tie on a bicycle, but there has to be a point."

"I just spit out my Jolly Rancher and I don't know where it went."

"What can we do that's not what we do?"

"Sorry, it was the condensed grilled cheese, not the toasted."

"Her fur is fantastic!"

"Things have escalated dramatically in the toilet wars."

"She worked like a hog, like a horse, like a hog-horse...Or whatever."

"A briefcase is just a smaller, purse-y suitcase."

"I'll be in charge of the balloon wall."

"You really can't help but smile when someone is cursing yet pointing a possum at you."

"If you have enough alcohol in your system, nothing else can get in."

"She's what I call a chaotic neutral. She's not unpleasant crazy, just crazy."

"Oh, wait! I have an idea to solve the giraffes don't have arms problem."

"Whenever you butt into someone else's business, your grass doesn't get any greener... or whatever."

"Are you making this up?"

"You just interpret the world around you completely differently."

"I'm sorry to squirrels."

"Every day I find more evidence for my theory that people never evolve past 6th grade."

"If it's free, there's something wrong with it."

"That's your thing...Logic."

"You are not allowed to be in on the jokes anymore."

"I'm hot for bluegrass."

"Kendal knocked the sticky note out for me."

"I love a good howdy."