"The common thread is absurdity."

"Her fur is fantastic!"

"I am woman, hear me craft."

"Do you want to be 'Googled' on your terms?"

"A briefcase is just a smaller, purse-y suitcase."

"She worked like a hog, like a horse, like a hog-horse...Or whatever."

"That guy doesn't look real flexible to me."

"That's a complicated mental flow chart."

"I'll be in charge of the balloon wall."

"What can we do that's not what we do?"

"Kendal knocked the sticky note out for me."

"Oh, were you serious about that?"

"You really can't help but smile when someone is cursing yet pointing a possum at you."

"We've got some pretty good straight-up chicken house photos."

"Nothing says raw sex appeal like a dude in a tiara."

"These grudges aren't going to hold themselves."

"I love a good howdy."

"I mean, I'm all for pretending to be a squirrel wearing a bow tie on a bicycle, but there has to be a point."

"Christmas is a lifestyle, it doesn't abide by calendar dates."

"There's some competition involved in being alive."

"Are you making this up?"

"You just interpret the world around you completely differently."

"People who won't eat a sandwich, I don't trust them."

"I think we're almost ready to get completely started on that."

"I'm sorry to squirrels."

"If you have enough alcohol in your system, nothing else can get in."

"She makes Eeyore look like Richard Simmons."

"I got caught in a clog mob on Halloween."

"That's about the tenth time someone's said Xanax to me this week."

"That's your thing...Logic."

"She's what I call a chaotic neutral. She's not unpleasant crazy, just crazy."

"I'm hot for bluegrass."

"Every day I find more evidence for my theory that people never evolve past 6th grade."

"She was professional, though. Just the one snort."

"You have a bald spot in your fur pants."

"You don't have your receipt? Well you're just AOL."

"That's not a logo, it's a collage."

"Sorry, it was the condensed grilled cheese, not the toasted."

"Whenever you butt into someone else's business, your grass doesn't get any greener... or whatever."

"You are not allowed to be in on the jokes anymore."

"I would not buy a used toilet."

"I'm going to travel there by airliner which is what I call my bus."

"Q. Is there something cooking in here? A. Yes, a turkey."

"I'm a Kevin Federline fan."

"You spell like a spammer."

"Just don't touch anything. That's your tutorial."

"Hobby Lobby threw up in my trunk."

"If it's free, there's something wrong with it."

"I wish I had a bulldozer."

"It's not like somebody picked you for the job nobody wants."

"Oh, wait! I have an idea to solve the giraffes don't have arms problem."

"That’s a real sentence I, a grown human person, typed as part of the thing I do to earn a living."

"These words mean nothing to me."

"Things have escalated dramatically in the toilet wars."

"Are you good with a chainsaw?"

"I can ruin everything you like."

"She puts the sin in synergy."

"I'm getting beeped at from all directions."

"How bout 20/20 hiney sight?"

"I just spit out my Jolly Rancher and I don't know where it went."